That girl

I am so tired of being "that" girl. That girl that is passionate about everything she does. That girl that will give you the last shirt off of her back if you ask. That girl that will do anything you ask them too without asking for anything in return. That girl that will sit and hold everything in until she is about to burst. That girl that feels like she is constantly in the wrong. There are so many things I could list.

Let me explain, at least part of this rant. Anyone ever had one of those friends that is "never wrong"? And even if they are wrong will sit an argue all day long? I'm not one of those people. Now, I am not saying that I am always right and I admit when I am wrong. But when I talk to people like this and realize that they are like this, I probably do the wrong thing and just go along with it all. I hate arguing. Tonight, while speaking with a friend that I have that is like this, I exploded. Not in a way that should have caused me to feel the way I do. But in a way that to me just seemed like I was saying "hey, over here, listen to me, I have an opinion too!" And yet, I was still the one made to feel like a jerk, like the biggest d-bag ever. And to top it all off, it was over something minute, something stupid. So I waited a few minutes, smoked myself a ciggarette and calmed down and then I apologized. And I'm not even sure why I apologized. I was actually right. But I apologized for blowing up and being right. I feel like I tucked my tail between my legs and just fed into what she was saying. All she had to say, "you do what you need to do, I'm not sweating it. It was childish." After that response I really felt like I shouldn't have apologized. It was childish and yet you were the one who started the whole argument and told me I wasn't listening to what you were saying. I was the one who was made to feel like absolute shit. And I still feel like absolute shit even though I know that I shouldn't.

So needless to say, my whole night was basically ruined. So in my festering madness I actually sat down and did some thinking. I will do and do and do for others all day long and then when I ask for help with something I get nothing, I won't say all of the time, but most of the time. I've decided that I will no longer be "that girl". I am actually going to start limiting what I do for others. I have always felt like I was a pretty decent person and tonight I was actually questioning that. I don't like that fact at all. And I don't like the way I was made to feel. And now because I'm pissed off I can't get out of my slump. I've started cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned because that is what I do when I am mad. I clean and I mean I clean. I decided to sit down and type this whole thing out because I wonder if any of you mysterious readers go through this. And if you do, I'd really like to know how you deal with it!!!!!

Any suggestions or commentary would be amazing!